Yesterday we talked about a recent study that explains why adults do not clearly remember our childhood, and even why children, when they have grown a little, are unable to relate many of the things that happened to them a few years before.
This child amnesia (this is what it is called) makes adults, when educating, we ask ourselves to what extent we have to be careful what can happen to them if they are total, then they will not remember. They won't come a good day to tell us "Mom, you made me pending, I remember it hurt," or "Dad, you let me cry only in my crib with a stuffed animal when I was six months old, I remember it," so, Why not do with them what we think is convenient without taking into account the specific condition?
The earrings don't hurt, and then they don't even remember
I focus on the earrings, not because it seems to me the worst (or the best) that can be done to a girl, but because it is one of the issues in which it is usually given as an answer that "the earrings do not hurt, and then remember". When I talked about earrings and explained that if I had a daughter, we would not have put earrings, I received this phrase on occasion. The point is that yes it hurtsWhat happens is that the neural connections of babies are early and immature, and the reaction time is not the same as in adults. They may take a while to cry or they may not even do it and it doesn't hurt them less.
On whether they remember or not, it is true, I doubt that any girl will ever tell her parents that when they made the earrings at birth it hurt and that they had better saved it.
Don't remember it doesn't mean it's okay
Children have no memory, why not do the Ferber or Estivill method without regrets? Yes total, then they won't remember that we did it and so we will get them to sleep alone. Why not hit them to correct them when they do something wrong, if they won't remember that we hit them? Why so much mania with speaking to them well and without shouting, if they are not going to remember how we treated them? Why can't we let them cry until they shut up, so they don't get used to the arms? Total, we have all been beaten, we have all been shouted, we have all been allowed to cry at some time and we have all been punished, and here we are, without trauma.
Well, I answer all the questions with three reasons: because it doesn't hurt who you love, why things are not done or they stop doing what they can tell us tomorrow and because the specific facts are not remembered, but everything leaves its mark.
It doesn't hurt who you love
It is true that we could do everything discussed without problems, or without major problems. Our children would grow up like any other child, most likely, and upon reaching adulthood I would say the same as adults now: "Yes, they beat me, they punished me, and look at me, here I am, without trauma." Luckily, really, because otherwise the world would be (even more) full of deranged people.
That we know how to overcome, that we know how to overcome it, that we know how to live with it, that we don't remember it, is no reason to justify that the people who love us hurt us. Likewise, It is no reason to justify that we harm the beings we love most in the world, our children. Won't you remember that I just hit you today? Well no, surely not, but that's not why it's okay.
Moreover, the type of father we are is what we choose. We are born as fathers and mothers the day our son is born, so starting from scratch we have the pan by the handle and we can decide what kind of fathers and what kind of people we want to be. If we choose the "total, it will not be remembered", we can hardly change our way of being or our educational style when the things we do can remember them. It is nonsense to play in a way to start and then change when we believe that our decisions can influence or remain in your memory (besides being very unethical).
Things are not done by what they can tell us tomorrow, but out of respect
Although it is true, because nobody wants their son to come tomorrow to reproach him for anything, things are not really done for that reason. The education given to a child is given based on what is right and what is wrong. Give love, arms, hugs, kisses, be with them and for them, say yes to a thousand things that are yes and no to a thousand things that are no, dialogue, contain our anger, make use of patience and word, put aside the punishments, and above all the physical punishments, all these are things that we do because we believe they are fine, because it is our way of respecting them as people, because it must be so. The rest, what we do not, we discard because they are wrong, not only to avoid reproaches in the future.
If someone came and told us that punishing our child daily, or hitting him once every 24 hours, we would get him to be a better person we would not do it (or we should not do it), because above the goal of making our children be good people is good and evil, what is right and what is not. Will my child be a worse person if I don't hit him daily? It may be, it may end up being, but I'm not going to hit him.
Because the specific facts are not remembered, but everything leaves its mark
The third reason is the one that explains how it can be that, despite neurogenesis and forgetfulness of most events, Children learn little things that they will hardly forget, like walking, eating or talking. Children learn to talk while things happen that they will forget, but curiously they don't forget to talk.
Well, it's not that curious, it's just logical. If we hit a boy one day, or if we put some earrings on a girl, or if one day we shout at him because they have broken a vase, surely years later they will not remember anything. However, if we hit them often, if we shout at them whenever they do anything, if we treat them badly, they will surely remember that when we were little we hit them, that we yelled at them and that we hurt them.
They will remember it because they will be things that will happen over time, just like talking. If a child learned to speak one day and that day he was able to talk with anyone, but after that day no one would talk to him and he would not talk to anyone, years later he would have many difficulties articulating a single word. As children talk and listen daily, and the more they learn the more they understand, the more they listen and the more they talk, they don't forget.
By this I mean that children will probably not remember the facts, the events, the bad times, but yes they will have internalized repetitive feelings, moments of stress and anxiety, of bad times, of repeated humiliations, punishments, etc.
"We are what we eat," says a campaign that tries to raise awareness to feed us well, and we are what has happened to us, what we have lived. That is why a child, from birth, needs us to treat them with love, to be very empathetic to understand their sufferings and needs us to be there to help him, as he learns, grows and matures, to be himself.
In the neonatal units they have strict norms to avoid that the children are very touched by the personnel if they are premature (it bothers them), to avoid the noise (it distresses them) and in general Do what you can to avoid stress and comfort, even offering and urging parents to do the kangaroo method. They will never remember that at birth they did their best to keep them calm and stable, but nobody doubts that we have to do it, because since they are born they begin to form their character and since they are born they are person, deserving the same respect that we ask for us.
Photos | Runar Pedersen Holkestad, ellyn on Flickr On Babies and more | “This has been done throughout our lives and nothing has happened to us” (I) and (II), Father's Day: There are parents who have not evolved, To be good parents there are things that cannot be missed
