Many brothers, when they meet as adults, joke about what it was his parents' favorite. Is it a simple jocular comment or are some still having a bite about it?
In one study, researchers asked several adults if their mothers had a favorite when they were children and almost 85 percent of the participants thought so.
Surely as soon as we leave our parents' house we stop worrying about the sibling favoritism, but the reality is not so and it seems that the discomfort about favoritism during childhood is long.
We are likely to continue to worry when we are adults about why another particular brother or sister got a better deal than us.
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It turns out that it is true that parents behave differently with their children and of course children realize these differences one way or another.
Researchers have studied favoritism, either by watching children when they interact with their parents or by asking children and their parents to talk about their interactions: How often do parents and children laugh or play together? How often do they fight or argue?
These scores were then compared between the different siblings to determine if one child received more positive or negative attention from their parents than another.
One of the most encouraging results of these studies is that when the differences in the way parents treat their children are small, they hardly have any consequences.
Only when there is a big difference is when we observe that affects the health and relationships of children.
Parental stress has to do
Studies in all types of relationships show us that a large part of the empathy we feel towards other people is due to the compatibility of personalities. One person may seem easier or more interesting than another and the same happens between parents and children.
Although most parents want and care about all their children, they will inevitably realize that they are more in tune with a son than with another. One of the children may be more sociable, another more irascible and a third party will be better at learning.
These differences in the way parents treat siblings have their origin in the genes of their children. Parents treat more similarly to identical twins, who share 100 one hundred percent of their DNA, than non-identical twins, who share about 50 percent of their genes.
The more different the personalities of the brothers, the more difference there will be in the treatment they receive from their parents.Another factor in the way parents educate their children is, of course, age. Parents interact and educate their children based on changes in developmental abilities as they grow. Age and personality explain some of the differences in the treatment that children receive from their parents.
But although age and personality play an important role in favoritism of parents, stress that parents suffer affects them much more. When parents experience a bad economic situation, mental health problems or emotional conflicts, the difference in the way they educate their children or favoritism between siblings becomes more evident.
Impacts on physical and mental well-being
Unfortunately, that favoritism that the brothers perceive can create distrust among them, making them feel more distant from each other, both during childhood and during adulthood.
This conclusion has been established for both perceived favoritism and observed favoritism.
Popular wisdom says that the favorite child receives benefits from his special treatment. Although it may be true when favoritism is mild, studies suggest that none of the brothers benefit when favoritism is more pronounced. That is, when favoritism is more evident, all brothers show less physical and mental well-being.
At present it is not clear what the reason is, but it is possible that children are affected by inequality or that when they receive favoritism they fear ending up on the side of the disadvantaged.
But the most reassuring thing for parents is the findings that parents' explanations about why they treat siblings differently really change the experience for children. Explanations that focus on their different personalities, ages or needs are associated with lower levels of stress for children.
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Pay attention. The first step is to be aware that it is something that can happen and seek help or support from your partner, family, friends or even health professionals to try to understand the reasons. Remember that favoritism towards children is more likely when your stress level is higher.
Listens. When your child complains or sees discussions between siblings in which one mentions favoritism, do not ignore it. Keep the child's feelings in mind and reflect on why he feels this way.
Give explanations. Sometimes, children need to receive different treatment, such as when a child is sick, injured or has special needs. When this happens, explain it to avoid any misunderstanding.
Avoid making comparisons between children. Although it may be natural to say something like: "why can't you be more like your sister?" Try to focus on what each child does well, without facing them.
Try to spend time alone with each of the children. As much as possible, try to spend at least 10 minutes each day with each child so that each one receives your full attention. You can do any activity they like to do with you.
Authors: Sheri Madigan, assistant professor of the Canada Research Chair on determinants of child development (Owerko Center of the Alberta Children's Hospital Research Institute, University of Calgary) and Jennifer Jenkins, Atkinson Chair in Early Childhood Education and Development and Director of the Atkinson Center, University of Toronto.
This article has originally been published in The Conversation. You can read the original article here.
Translated by Silvestre Urbón
Photos | Victoria Borodinova (Pexels) and iStockphoto
