Recently we consulted experts, why do children commit suicide? Following the case of little Diego who allegedly suffered bullying.
Today we have Beatriz Cazurro, child psychologist, expert in psychotherapy with children, adolescents and adults and who has worked in several European countries with children and adolescents in situations of social risk, abuse, sexual abuse and conflicts with justice. We talked to her in an attempt to know a little more the other side, that in which we do not usually deepen, the side of the stalker, how is the world behind, They are Executioners or victims?
You are a child psychologist and you are specialized in "problematic children", what do you see when a child comes to your office who is "accused" of being "problematic", of being an abuser?
Not all children or adolescents who come to the office because they are "problematic" are bullies. Not even all children or adolescents who behave aggressively are bullies. We talk about bullying when there is abuse that is directed at the same person, for a long time.
Unfortunately No parent has ever come to my office demanding that he help his son stop harassing to someone at school, even if that was also part of their problem behaviors. The vast majority of the times I've worked with stalkers have been within the Protection and Reform System.
Usually The first thing I see is someone who doesn't want to be there and that he thinks I have nothing to say that will interest him. Arms crossed, haughty glances ... an attitude of superiority ... sometimes also a lot of pain in the form of tears or frustration.
From what age can we talk about such cases?
Worried soon. We usually talk about the 11 or 12 years, with the passage to the institute, but in fact already in the first years of primary school there are comrades who receive insults or who are consistently isolated at recess. It may not be exactly what we have in mind as bullying but of course, at least, it is the prelude.
What is the profile of an abusive child? Is it always the same in all ages?
There is no single profile. Some act from popularity and their great social skills and others from impulsivity, but all they usually have in common that they tolerate frustration poorlyThey do not show empathy for others and seek to feel good by putting themselves in a position of superiority.
In addition, at a deeper level they reject their own vulnerability and have great difficulty accepting feelings of fear, sadness, loneliness ...
Executioners, victims or both?
It is not uncommon to meet boys who have suffered abuse at home, at school or in the neighborhood who end up becoming bullies. In this sense they are victims of what they have suffered, but of course they are responsible for everything they do. Understanding where the behaviors come from is not the same as justifying them.
Although in most cases the abuse is nothing more than a defense mechanism against very low self-esteem or tremendous fear, we have to be clear that The best way to help them is not to victimize or overlook aggressive behavior.
Some act from popularity and their great social skills and others from impulsivity, but all tend to have in common that they tolerate frustration poorly.
In your experience, what are the main causes that push a child to abuse another? Can we talk about machismo?
I would not link it to machismo, it's another form of abuse, although with many things in common.
I believe that the main cause for a child to abuse another is the sense of power that it provides, and in many cases the status within the peer group. There are clear benefits at the psychological level and at the social level.
What factors are responsible for bullying in or outside schools?
We all need to be aware that we have an important role in preventing bullying situations.
Parents are responsible for containing the emotions of our children From the first day they arrive in the world, teach them to manage them and, at the same time, to set limits on their behavior. We also have to teach them the consequences of what we do on others and the basic rules for living in society.
Emotional education and the management of what happens to us inside starts from babies and can be incorporated into the educational system from the nursery school. However, we continue to insist that education give more importance to theoretical knowledge. I do not say that learning to do a Neperian logarithm is not useful, but isn't it also to learn to manage stress or express anger without harming anyone?
Schools need clear coexistence plans and clear nonviolence policies. Students should be sensitized and instructed, who are often passive observers of bullying, and all center staff. In addition, staff needs to be trained and consistent with what they ask students to do. We must certainly lead by example.
Of course the administration and politicians have to be on the same line so that the message that children and adolescents receive is the same at all levels. The only interest in these cases should be protect the victim and then treat the stalker. Everything else (the possible bad image of the center, the difficulty in making transfers, the awkwardness of the bureaucracy - and I say this knowingly) goes later.
Can we say that a child who abuses another is asking for help? Are they behaviors to get our attention?
There are cases and cases, but it doesn't have to. What is clear is that even if it is not to get our attention, you should also call it.
When we see that a child is out of control, whether or not it is to attract attention, it is our responsibility to protect him, guide him to express what he feels and set limits on his behavior.
Can a child who abuses at the home of his siblings be a victim of abuse at school?
There may be some case in which a child, to compensate for the feeling of humiliation at school, is retaliated at home, but conflicts between siblings are usually purely familiar.
Anyway, if we see a different behavior from one of our children at home it is important to be attentive to see what may be due.
What could we consider as "normal" sets in a child's life and which ones should we get on notice?
If you go to a park and observe two-year-old children playing with each other, you will be able to see potential little bullies. If a child removes a toy from another, it is quite likely that the former will push him to retrieve the latter. It is normal, they are trying to reaffirm their identity and beginning to understand that others are people with their own feelings, thoughts and desires. It is the adults' role to explain to him that although he did not like to have the toy removed, the other child does not like to be hit and it is necessary to repair the damage by asking for forgiveness.
From there begins learning about how to live in society. Little by little, children will learn to control their behavior and think about others, although it is normal that from time to time they get out of control or become more aggressive if something like a death, a divorce, a move has happened ...
summarizing, some episode of some loose violence can be normal even in adolescence (which does not mean that because it is normal we should ignore it) but if we see that it is something that lengthens in time it is important that we stop, breathe and start to wonder what can be happening. The sooner we realize the sooner we can act.
What can a father do when they tell him at school that his son is bullying his classmates?
A parent ** can and should show disapproval of his son's behavior and at the same time convey his concern for him **. You can also be in contact with the educational center to find out about your child's evolution and of course ask yourself if there is anything you can do at home so that your child stops needing to use the role of stalker to feel safe and accepted.
Is it difficult to convince a father that there is a problem to act on?
It is difficult for most parents to accept that their children are doing something wrong, either because violence is part of family dynamics and they don't see where the problem is, or because accepting that their children harass is accepting that they have been blind to something , that perhaps, was evident.
Emotional education and the management of what happens to us inside starts from babies
Are the expulsions of the school or change to a more rigid center useful?
Expulsions are a clear consequence of not knowing how to live in the school environment, "If you don't know how to be in a group, then you have to leave for a while," but in my opinion, alone they are lame. In fact sometimes they look like a prize, after all, being a week at home is not too bad. Ideally, during the time of expulsion an educational and therapeutic intervention will be carried out to avoid new aggressive episodes.
Regarding the second question, A stiffer center does not have to be more consistent. It is not that there are a million norms, but that the ones that are well thought out and have clear consequences. Schools have to act as a figure of firm authority, but they must also know how to listen and adapt to each child's situation.
Once a problematic focus has been detected, I don't know if you can talk about times until everything returns to normal, is it possible?
Unfortunately not. For everything to end as quickly as possible, it is necessary for parents, school or institute, administration, and police (if necessary) to transmit the same message and have a common strategy to protect the victim and treat the stalker. You can imagine that it is not an easy task, but it is possible.
Thank you Beatrice for answering our questions.
